Wednesday, October 8, 2008

O, rapid thou fire

It is 10:46p ... and I can't imagine sleeping. I took the increased dose of Geodon and Ambien and know it is possible ... yet at this moment? The thought that I will sleep sometime soon is foreign to me.

I am manic.

It is the first couple of weeks in October. It is also midterms. The seasons are changing here in northern Illinois. There are lots of factors. What I've come to know is this: almost to the day, my mood changes drastically within these first couple of weeks. This autumn... it is mania. Last autumn ... it was deep depression. Usually it is depression... but things are so different this year ... not to be unduly vague.

It all came crashing down in the cafeteria last night. Over the smallest thing, of course. You see, I've been trying the vegan lifestyle and the food service at school offered to prepare meals for me. Honestly, it makes me feel awfully high-maintenance ... but I'm not feeling guilty anymore. There are only a handful of vegetables and fruits they serve me and I'm not getting the nutrition I need. For example, today for lunch I had a veggie burger with onions, tomatoes, and lettuce on wheat toast with melon and pineapple. For dinner I was served a veggie burger wrap with tomatoes and lettuce and melon. Anyway, there are established times for me to pick up the food. I've slipped into the habit of coming later because the food is generally not done in time. Last night I arrived at half past five (half an hour later than the scheduled pick-up time) to pick up the food on my way to my night class, Advanced Rhetoric @ 6p. I didn't understand until the food was up, but they were training a new girl. That's why it wasn't ready this time.

As I waited, everything compacted onto me and I started to cry twice. Not completely uncontrollable, no sobbing, no vocals ... but the silent tears. I have a vivid childhood memory of watching some crime show with my mother and the interrogator is a woman. At the end of the episode, the camera focuses on the woman as the others exit, and two tears stream down her face. Her face is devoid of emotion. ... I couldn't fathom this. I had never experienced such pain there was no hysteria. I only knew sobbing until my throat was raw with all of the childhood melodrama. As I became a performer, I realized those tears are the mark of a great actor. As an individual, they are my favorite. When I'm crying silent tears, everything is calm. I am numb. I have past the point of hysteria ... and for a moment, everything is alright... except there are tears streaming down my face.

I was under the illusion I could stop crying. I realized this mistake as soon as I walked into the building I needed to be in.

I started hyperventilating and sobbing and found a corner I could attempt to release these uncontrollable emotions with some shred of dignity. As soon as I thought I had it together, I continued down the corridor, nearing the classroom. Planning to sit in the back in the corner so that if I lost it again, I would draw the least focus -- but what about the seat closest to the door, I wondered, in case I need to escape? ... I didn't want to give myself that option. I've already missed my fair share of classes.

I ran into one of the Education professors and learned that she knows my name. Within the past few months, I've developed the deep sense of shame I'd read and heard about that plagues those with mental disorders ... meaning, I hate talking about it. I hate having to do things differently to reach the same ending as others. I'm sure I'll discuss that more later but the point is: it all came tumbling out. "Oh, it's just that I've got an exam tomorrow that's worth 25% of my grade and I'm nervous and... uh... I've got bipolar, OCD, and ADHD and stress is really difficult for me to deal with... not that it's not difficult for everyone else, but it is especially for me." When I told her it was for Cognitive Psych, she laughed nicely and said I wouldn't want her taking that exam for me. It did make me feel better.

It's 11:07p ... and I've officially grown weary. I was originally going to discuss-- ugh, I can't even finish that thought. It's too much work. I'm wired and exhausted. With the heightened energy and expenditure... I'm not used to this. It's been years since a true mania. During the day, I couldn't be better... endless amounts of energy, etc. I don't even want to explain this shit again right now. I did once earlier to my girlfriend ... I suppose this is what teaching the same grade every year will be like. Every person that doesn't understand, you have to start from the basics ... something you learned eons ago, when you were first discovering what your disorders might look like and entail. But now, it takes a lot of brainpower to sort through the complexities and reach a baseline. A starting block. A foundation. The fundamentals. And that's what I can't do right now.

I'll finish my story soon, I promise. But I'll leave you with this last, fundamental idea--fundamental to my life experience, anyway:

I have reached the point in the day when I can no longer be awake. Since Fall '05, there comes a point in my day when I literally can no longer stay awake and be "functional." This isn't just tired, this is an overwhelming feeling of fatigue, anxiety, dread, racing irrational thoughts -- and I long for nothing but sleep.

You see, sleep is the key. For me, especially. Sleep is the reset button. I could be having the worst emotional day imaginable ... and I know that when I go to sleep, I will wake up and it will literally be a fresh slate. ... I never understood that phrase, "It's a new day," before. Because it wasn't a new day. ... now it is.

Sleep is sanity.

I no longer long for death. I long for sleep. Because sometimes there comes a point in the day where reality is too harsh. ... I haven't experienced this in months. Just as I hadn't experienced the attack previously mentioned in almost a year. And yet ... here we are.

And so, at 11:18p, I bid you goodnight. Hopefully sleep shall soon follow ... though I know it won't. It will be a couple of hours for the medications to take effect. Yet, still, goodnight. I'll see you in the morning...

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