Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Shame

This must be short for I should be doing other things. Time's running out quickly...

I would like to talk about shame. Perhaps not the best topic for a quick post...or is it the perfect topic?

The first two and a half years after my diagnosis, I didn't understand the shame that is attached to mental illness. I do now. I believe I mentioned it sometime during the fall/winter. I know this blog is about honesty and education, but I find myself experiencing crippling shame at any sign of weakness. I constantly compare myself to others, to the best, and find faults in myself. I don't think I focus too much on them...but perhaps a little.

I guess after three and a half years of dealing with this/these disorders, I've run out of patience with myself; I feel that I should have a better grip. I realize in typing these words that I'm wrong and I do focus too much on my faults, for I have come such a long way. Impatience coupled with a few intolerant people telling me I make excuses when I can't do something...that it's my fault...leave me doubting myself.

It will get better. I'll continue moving forward and working as diligently as possible to carry on in the best form despite the odds. I admit, sometimes I wish I didn't have these things to deal with. But then I remind myself...everyone has some struggle, some challenge. I'm not the only one and things could be so much worse.

Perhaps I'll open up soon and talk about the week-long series of breakdowns I experienced ending last week. I feel that I could now, but I promised myself I'd keep it short(ish).

It's raining and I hear thunder grumbling. What beautiful music; I love storms. :)

Until next time,

K.

3 comments:

s.musick said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
s.musick said...

How refreshing is your lovely vulnerability. I'm glad you find it within yourself to share. I know how tricky it can be to air out the secrets of our mind (and heart).

For what it's worth, I think you're far from weak - I think you're ripped!

Jess Mendez said...

Hi,

thanks for sharing from your heart. Things in life are a spiritual experience to me.

Nothing happens in my life without my careful thought if it, and when "IT" is not right, then I am humbled, but open to that experience and listening carefully while not beating myself up.

I miss you commenting on my blog, and so want to stay in touch....

love,
Jesse