Do the next right thing.

Four years ago I was wandering my uncles' house aimlessly by day, curled fetal-style scream-crying because of unbearable emotional/mental anguish, or sleeping far too much. Quite vividly I remember wondering how my uncle could do something as complex as fill out a check. I kid you not. Now, I am in my final semester of college and don't remember my last breakdown. Yes, you heard me correctly -- I don't remember my last breakdown.

What is the secret to my success?

I don't want it to be a secret. That is the new direction this blog is taking. I resume my proverbial pen and will somehow figure out how to make this blog easier to find for those in need of proof that

SUCCESS IS POSSIBLE!

I have a story that I want to share. There is hope.

An update on my life:

Besides being in my last semester of college, I am even more actively the president of our Gay/Straight Alliance. In fact, the other officers and I set out to Madison tomorrow right after we finish our last classes for the Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender Ally College Conference 2010 (MBLGTACC 2010)! One of the workshops is called "In Our Own Voices: Living With Mental Illness." I really hope to report on this one here for you all.

I've stepped back from the madness of the Department and have decided this semester to focus on securing my graduation (!!!) and health. This semester is focused on health, graduation, activism, and preparation for the future. This mindset had gotten me here:

Just do the next right thing.

The only hope you have to influence your future is the actions you take in the present. Overwhelming, it may seem. Merely READING this idea would make me nervous if I didn't adhere to the basis: Don't worry about the series of "right things." Just focus on making the next one.

Simple concept. Not so simple to carry out.

The key is applying this in all areas of life: food intake, sleep patterns, time management.

My dear friend and psychology professor helped me realize the place of medication:

Medication merely levels the playing field, gives you a fair baseline. Anything beyond mediocrity is up to you.

This is achieved through applying the above as I've suggested.

Now, adhering to my own suggestions, it's time to take that dubious Geodon (which I still haven't reached a conclusion on past years' wonderings) which I must thank in part for my success. I am taking minimal medication: 80mg Geodon at night, 10mg generic Adderal/10mg Lexapro/150mg generic Lamictal in the morning. You must counter-balance Geodon with an anti-depressant.

I could go on and on ... but that's what following days are for. I can't wait to recount this weekend's adventures Sunday when I get back!

I think I've coined this phrase:

"Be well and do good."

Love all ways always,

-k

Shame

This must be short for I should be doing other things. Time's running out quickly...

I would like to talk about shame. Perhaps not the best topic for a quick post...or is it the perfect topic?

The first two and a half years after my diagnosis, I didn't understand the shame that is attached to mental illness. I do now. I believe I mentioned it sometime during the fall/winter. I know this blog is about honesty and education, but I find myself experiencing crippling shame at any sign of weakness. I constantly compare myself to others, to the best, and find faults in myself. I don't think I focus too much on them...but perhaps a little.

I guess after three and a half years of dealing with this/these disorders, I've run out of patience with myself; I feel that I should have a better grip. I realize in typing these words that I'm wrong and I do focus too much on my faults, for I have come such a long way. Impatience coupled with a few intolerant people telling me I make excuses when I can't do something...that it's my fault...leave me doubting myself.

It will get better. I'll continue moving forward and working as diligently as possible to carry on in the best form despite the odds. I admit, sometimes I wish I didn't have these things to deal with. But then I remind myself...everyone has some struggle, some challenge. I'm not the only one and things could be so much worse.

Perhaps I'll open up soon and talk about the week-long series of breakdowns I experienced ending last week. I feel that I could now, but I promised myself I'd keep it short(ish).

It's raining and I hear thunder grumbling. What beautiful music; I love storms. :)

Until next time,

K.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

Our theater flooded.

Yes, flooded. For half an hour. Not by rain, but water gushing from a broken sprinkler head that activated all the others (I'll spare you the details...but will say it was due to misweighed fly system). 30' worth of a sprinkler system. All over our set pieces and backdrops I assisted the designer in painting. The show--the largest show (musical) of the year, showcasing the seniors--was scheduled to go up on Thursday. This coming Thursday. Yeah, not happening...

This is a huge theater for a college. 30' wide acting area? A very important space not only for the theatre department, but those we rent to and any other presentations we host with our incredible number of seats.

The water seeped into the design studio and storage, too.

So, everything's being rescheduled. This huge, tiring show is set to go up the Thursday-Saturday before the week of finals. I heard the most powerful professor laughed at other faculty protestations at a highly stressful idea (and all the other repercussions of such an idea) for students. He laughed and said it just eliminates our time to procrastinate. This said to seniors carrying 20+ credit hour loads (18 is considered an overload) also, trying to graduate on time due to an advisor's poor planning. The official e-mail letting us know the changes is the title of this blog and my best friend pointed out the irony of the lyrics to that Bowie song:

And these children that you spit on
As they try to change their worlds
Are immune to your consultations
They're quite aware of what they're going through

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Don't tell t hem to grow up and out of it
Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes
(Turn and face the strain)
Ch-ch-Changes
Where's your shame
You've left us up to our necks in it
Time may change me
But you can't trace time

And I have papers and work, models and homework, classes and meetings--and had a rather epic breakdown last Thursday night which results in a doctor's visit Wednesday and a couple of extensions; I'm starting to swing into a depression after a minor mania managed magnificently. (Sorry, couldn't resist.) But I'm at the point where sometimes I have a lot of trouble making decisions. But I'm not just a painter for this show...I have to work the fly system during the show. Yeah, the one that got out of control. Wee! :-\

My best friend is one of those 20+ cred-carrying seniors, who is Assistant Stage Managing the show and works in the costume shop...(those of us who work in the shops aren't getting this extra week to study--we're expected to help reconstruct the theatre AND work on the show...I work the scene shop, where there was damage. Luckily, my boss is reasonable. Her boss is the laugher.). We decided it was a good idea to go for a hike in the woods separating our school from a park while the weather was nice because my classes were done and hers got canceled.

We got lost looking for a specific bridge, but decided to sit on a felled tree on the shore next to some standing water in a low point of the huge park. The water was deep enough for us to spy a duck bathing. In the taller grass, I spotted a mama duck and SEVERAL baby ducks. They swam into sight and I noticed that last little duck kept getting distracted and lagging behind, but swimming super fast to catch up until it inevitably happened again. I decided it is a he and his name is Zoom Zoom. We witnessed daddy duck bite an intruding male duck and watched him to continue securing the premise while his family crawled onto our "shore" to dry off and play.

We agreed that life is good.

Title: 1_45a on the fifteenth of abril 2009 A.D.

My pores sit among the day's work on my skin,
My tongue skims across the day's skin on my teeth.
I feel dirty.
So I washed them.
And it was simple.

Clean, but water under my ribbon necklace,
Clean, but water under Her car-part ring.
I feel uncomfortable.
So I dried myself.
And it was simple.

My thoughts scamper anxiously through dirtballs,
My mind holds stead-fast for control.
I feel worried.
So I think of Her.
And it is simple.

There is a specific attempt at structure. I'll let you diagram that out for yourself. I feel moved to explain the process, however. This poem was active; it was an exercise in simplifying. The first two lines reflect my over-analytic, cumbersomely complex --"frilly"-- thoughts followed by my conscious effort to simplify them through simplifying my perception of my feelings, which is why they're written in present tense. Then, after writing that, I "fixed" the "problems," which were then past tense when I returned to write them. The last line of the first two stanzas is the seal, the point of the exercise. The last stanza is different in that the problem is my main concern--thoughts/inside my head. I was putting the solution to action at the time I wrote it, therefor the tense remains present. This experimentation may not be "correct"...but I think there is ultimately no measure of "correctness" in creativity and art.

As always, I'm interested in YOUR response(s). Thanks for reading--and Happy Tax Day! Hah. ;)

Rough

Adhesive never sticks to these walls for long. Duct tape, even--and especially. The heavier the tape...the more effort and desire I have to stick something...the faster it falls. It's around this time of the semester that things really start falling. Well, the tape's losing it's grip...but I'm not allowing myself. Even though I sense personal tape possibly failing in my life. This part of the semester is also when I stop caring about having those images, albeit meaningful, stuck to my walls; other things take precedence.

I have cramps. I didn't take anything for it.

I have no time to think of images falling or relationships failing or anything but what needs to be done. I'm so wound up (bad caffeine choices made today) that I can't physically write in my journal...my hand--which never cramps--cramps at the speed of my thoughts. This is the first time in a long time that I'm genuinely grateful for a keyboard.

But, the last thing I'd like to point out there is this:



The dark circles under my eyes no longer look like I've taken a couple of blows from fighting life. And that? Is a real smile.

Happy Bunny Day/Easter/Sunday--enjoy those you love. Few things matter more.

Tweet on Blogger

...just sayin'...I can't WAIT to work this blog--layout, etc. etc., start selling things, start working a LOT, and start all of these projects reserved for lazy summertime...because it'll be summer vacation in 4(!!!!!!!) weeks.

This is good and bad news, for those of you who understand.

So, basically, this is a Tweet on Blogger. The ayyyynd! :)

PS, the sad truth:
Twoble with Twitter: SuperNews!

Connect the Dots

You know what I realized tonight? Because that's how I realize things...like a light switch. I realized tonight that I'm ready. I am ready to grow up.

What a loaded statement. But it's so true.

I am ready to begin life...I am ready to assume responsibility, learn how to put things in perspective, ready to fully master mySelf--my situations, my career(s), my outlook, my Life.

I feel as though I am blossoming...and the realizations come from others. Small things others have said, small gestures others have made in general--that trigger things. Small things not even meant for me, not even necessarily meant for inspiration. Truths.

It's not about you, or me, or one person--the picture is very large, and I find that if I let myself focus too intensely for too long and unnecessarily on myself--I become sad. Depressed. As long as I'm caring for myself, being aware of my needs and wants, I must also be aware of the brilliance of a life outside of myself...the world is so full of magnificent people to meet and form relationships with and enjoy and influence and grow and share. Love.

I'm ready to learn and prepare and be RESPONSIBLE. I'm ready to be stable and loving and joyful and interesting...and Happy. I know there will be tough times...but there will be so much joy for me. I am a Lucky Girl: I have love, and I have drive, and I have what it takes. I know it. I believe in myself. Finally, I believe in myself Despite.

I have many dreams...dreams turning to goals...and goals are for looking forward to. And I so look forward to what lies ahead of me, whatever it may be. The best part is that I don't KNOW exactly where I'll be going--no SET PATH. I have ideas, I have plans...but I'm staying flexible. And I believe that is the key. Rolling with the punches, as it were.

I am ready to succeed. I am ready. :)